so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
