So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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