Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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