What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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