You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
