Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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