ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
