sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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