I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
