TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize