my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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