I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
