im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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