i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
