it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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