I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
