The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm too high and old for this...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
