Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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