im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
