So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
