i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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