I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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