No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
