you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
