Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
