quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Houston, we have a blender
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
