Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Everything about him screamed your future.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am available for nakedness
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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