i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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