i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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