hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
