His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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