I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i now understand why vodka
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
