All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
