I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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