we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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