i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
