who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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