I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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