Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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