I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize