my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
