You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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