yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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