We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
