Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
