K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
