Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
