Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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