my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
