I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
