if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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