he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
