What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she smelled like a LAN party
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
