alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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