I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I woke up under a house in Key West
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