Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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