sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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