you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize