I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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