im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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