She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
