pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
