I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
