Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
