i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize